Scientology, you can suck my metaphorical ballz

Written by The Thyroid Chronicles on February 16, 2010 – 7:36 pm -

At a freelancers Meetup group event about a month ago, I won a free personality test with personal life coach Daphna Hernandez.  It was in the back of my mind (where most ideas live, because I am a master procrastinator) until I got an email saying that she was having a networking and business skills seminar at her office last Thursday.  I can always use more help in this arena, so instead of my usual thyroidal 11am wakeup time, I had my man shake off my covers at 6am along with him so I could get to the meeting by 8.  At a time that I usually reserve for REM, I was fully alert and presentable, which is a major achievement.

Tho I mos def needed to get my nap on later that afternoon, I felt that the session was very worthwhile.  I was able to introduce my “active, behavioral” pet sitting business to a new sector of people and learned some skills about completing “cycles of activity”, as opposed to leaving them incomplete, which is the story of my life.  After the session, those of us who opted to could do the personality test, so anyone could get it for freebiez whether they won it or not, but marketing is giving away something of perceived value in order to attract potential clients, so I didn’t get too cranky about it.  As I love navel-gazing, the test was quite entertaining.  Today, I returned to go over the results.

I did not mention this before, but the pamphlet we received at the event was excerpted from Dianetics and Daphna mentioned “best-selling author L. Ron Hubbard” during her talk.  Clearly, our girl Daphna was a Scientologist, but I didn’t have a problem with that.  Most “religions” have useful kernels of truth within them; it’s the wholesale ascription to an entire compendium of tenets that I cannot get down with.  She had helpful things to say, so I was suiting up to separate the wheat from the chaff.  The only issue that concerned me was the possibility that her whole coaching practice was based on being a shill for Scientology; it’s like going to a “nutritionist” only to discover that said person was actually a rep for Jenny Craig.

During our session today, the personality test was not discussed for at least thirty minutes.  We went over goals for my business, things I want/need to do in order to succeed, qualities that I see as hindering to my business and personal development, etc.  Helpful stuff, things I need to work on.  I am usually incredibly frank in any discussion, so I do wonder where this session would have gone if I had not made certain disclosures for her to seize upon.  However, I am sure aspects of my life would’ve come out within a session or two and I would have just wasted more time, so I supposed I saved valuable time.

The beginning of the end started when she asked what aspects I needed help in.  I said that I am incredibly ADD and need to learn how to set goals, make decisions, and prioritize, in order to stop procrastinating.  She asked if I was medicated for ADD.  I said I had been in the past, but don’t like the idea of daily maintenance drugs.  I turned it back to my thyroid website and bemoaned the state of our lobbyist-centered health care system, where I can get Adderall, Prozac, Ativan, and other controlled substances, but I cannot get freaking natural thyroid medication because there is no lobby for it, and she agreed whole-heartedly.   She asked if I ever did any other drugs and if I drank.  I said, “oh sure, a margarita during mariachi night, a doobie de vez en cuando, a semi-annual ‘shroom fest in J-Tree, no big thing.”  She asked if I started using these substances at a young age and I concurred that I was around 13 when I’d first imbibed.

She then pulled out my personality test, which incidentally was the Oxford Capacity Analysis, and showed me that 4/5 of the personality traits measured showed I need “urgent attention” and the early drinking and such explains these results.   She led me to the television to watch a certain portion of the Dianetics video, after which we would reconvene and discuss.

I’m sure you, who were not there, can predict where this is going.  I was there, however, and I can tell you that I was not freaked out.  I can appreciate nuggets of wisdom from wherever they come, and I’m sure my teenage drinking history has oodles to do with my shortcomings of today and would appreciate some tips to rewire these problems. I make it a point to view, listen to, and read all manner of material and incorporate what I think is useful into my own personal worldview and discard the refuse; thus, I watched the video from a scholarly perspective and took notes upon which tidbits I could use, which to call out as bullshit, and which to discuss and ask questions about.  I found of particular interest the portions about one’s mind storing information about traumatic events subconsciously and needing to bring them to the conscious mind to deal with them so they are not triggered to activate unwelcome habits.  Obviously, all my blocks are all in my mind, as I wasn’t born with them, so I would welcome the chance to deactivate them.

I finished the video, excited to talk about fixing what was holding me back.  She showed me the low points on my personality test and said I needed to completely quit using any substances in order to raise those levels.  I said that was just ridiculous – all or nothing approaches to anything give too much power to the thing being avoided.  I am moderate and mindful of everything I put in my body, be it caffeine or potatoes or cornsilk.  However, I was ready to work on the next step in remedying my issues.

She said Step 1 is completely abstaining from drugs or alcohol, which are poisons to the body.  The other steps are not available to me until I undertake that first step.  She said I could put $5000 on the table at that very moment to work on the other aspects, but she would refuse it until I do STEP 1.  This conversational river has clearly forked off into two branches; I think am on a felucca floating down a well-balanced, natural health rivulet, and she is positive that I am aboard the S.S. Substance Abuse and careening toward the falls of doom.

Here is where I reach the anger zone, cuz I can sense we have reached the end of the rational road.  I have run into a one-size-fits-all, black-and-white-with-no-shades-of-grey, wall of rigid rules.  I tried to counter this with much rhetoric: there are people who are eating antibiotic-laced burgers and sodas with high-fructose corn syrup and yet I’m being ruled out for having a casual drink.  I am not smoking crack, I am smoking occasional doobage, from the earth.  That’s as redonk as saying I can’t eat peppers cuz they’re from the nightshade family.  I equated social drinx, etc.,  with driving a car: driving is not optimal in many ways – it pollutes the environment,which in turn pollutes our health, and also increases the chance of being mangled in a car accident.  Therefore, though I take alternate modes of transport when feasible, but it would be stupid to not go places because I don’t want to drive a car, and it is equally stupid to miss out on a yearly pilgrimage with my broheims in the desert because the mushroom, which the earth gave us, is, in her words, “poison”.  I even said, “You cannot tell me that Tom and Katie go to premiere parties and can’t even have a glass of champers!!!”

Defending having two glasses of wine at book club like I’m shooting up behind a dumpster is outrageous.  It felt like the awful conversations I’ve had countless times with health care practitioners about their inability to accept that their ways of treating thyroid disease are misguided and outdated.

Despite my best efforts, each argument with Daphna rebounded upon a rubber net.  The case was closed.  I suppose a my-way-or-the-highway approach works for the weak-willed, but I am not a mental midget.  I gave a Scientologist the chance to present to me ways in which the methodology they ascribe to can help me, and she smothered me with dogma instead.

You may be surprised to learn that I still intend to patronize her networking seminars.  Though she lost me with her polemic and reinforced my distrust of groups with cult status, I take pride in not throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Throwing out the baby with the bathwater

I prefer to keep the clean baby and discard the dirty water, metaphorically speaking.

I shall return, during valuable REM time, to meet other entrepreneurs and get tips to build my business.  However, Scientology has an open invitation to suck my anti-establishment ballz.


Posted in health, Thyroid | 1 Comment »

One Comment to “Scientology, you can suck my metaphorical ballz”

  1. nancy wolf Says:

    I love it! You are a much better woman than I, as I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have lasted as long as you did patiently listening to her shpeel and watching a video. But I am sure I too would have come to the conclusion that Scientology can suck my ballz!

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