The Thyroid Chronicles

Have you ever seen the Mexican dudes standing on street corners around LA holding a coconut with a straw sticking out of it in each hand?  A sighting is my cue to pull the eff over.  You can get two of them for a fiver, ready to drink.  Coconut water is practically a miracle beverage and contains more electrolytes than any sports drink.  I hereby make a motion to rename it Jesus Juice.

Jesus Juice contained within

It seems a shame to throw away the lovely coco after slaking my thirst with the drink within, so I always keep the empty coconut in the fridge and say I’m gonna do something with it.  Then it sits there for a month til it is well and truly rotten, after which time I finally throw it away.  But not this time, Buster!

I recalled that one of my fave health blogs, Renegade Health, posted a recipe a while back for egg salad without the eggs, so I got out my tomato butt remover
and scraped out all the meat (AKA white stuff that is not shell) and popped it into the recipe below.  Pulse it all up in your food processor and serve over a bed of greens or roll some up in a romaine leaf.  Redonk.

Raw Food Not Egg Salad

Meat from 2 Fresh Coconuts
2 stalks of celery, chopped
3 stalks of scallions/green onions, chopped
3 TBSP Raw Vegan Mayonnaise, or Olive Oil and a pinch of mustard powder
1 tsp turmeric
Pinch of sea salt or to taste
Pinch of pepper or to taste

I always think this same phrase the day before I change doctors and/or change medications.  As a habit, I keep this thought to myself because I’m almost always let down. The way I came into knowing about my newest doc was a bit out of the ordinary; before the Scientologist closed the book on me (literally), she mentioned that she also had a thyroid problem and her doctor was a fantastic MD/naturopath and she’d been seeing him for 20 years.

As I was taking my baby gurl for her final walkiez last night, the eve of my appointment, it occurred to me that I’d not yet thought to check him out online. This, from a woman whose top three phrases includes “Google that shit”. As soon as I returned, I found his website: http://www.privitera.com/, which was not nearly as interesting as his Wikipedia site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Privitera.  It seems it takes a renegade to have common sense these days, so I was still game.

So I got up less than three hours after our 4am earthquake, which is an unheard of time for me, and pulled on the same outfit I’ve been wearing for three days (because it is one of only two outfits that still fits me) and made the trek out to Covina. As soon as I rolled into the office, I heard the receptionist telling a patient over the phone that they only had Nature-throid in stock. I squawked, “WHAT, YOU HAVE NATURE-THROID IN STOCK???” You see, I have been calling around since last fall for Nature-throid, and it was backordered everywhere (at least at the places that had even heard of it). Now I knew this was gonna be good day, and I wouldn’t even have to use my AK!

The nurse had me step on the scale: 136. Oh goodie, I’d gained 10 lbs in two weeks. Some people may think not being able to feel my left arm and leg for that same period of time would be more annoying, but those people would be wrong. I decided not to niggle about this though, because this was the first day of the rest of my life.

First, they did a live blood scan.

Nuva ringz and evil thingz

The Nuva-ring lookin dealies are my red blood cells, and they’re perfect, thank you very much.  Some of the other quasar lookin things are the white blood cells and platelets, which are also perf.  The evil smiley in the lower left is is my folic acid, which was not lookin so good.  There are supposed to be a maximum of two holes, which would account for the eyes, but the four-ish holes comprising the mouth signifies a deficiency.  The gal doing the test said I could remedy this by increasing my intake of leafy greens; problem is, I eat so many greens I have them coming out of my ears – I have a handful of spinach in my daily breakfast shake, then perhaps another pound of greens throughout the day.  She said perhaps I was deficient in hydrochloric acid, which means I am not absorbing my nutrients.  Funny, that – a couple of months back, I posted to my thyroid support group that I felt I was not absorbing my medication, despite an increase in dose, and one of my fellow peeps suggested low HCl may be a problem.  Corroboration, complete!  The great thing is that HCl is cheap and readily obtainable.

Next, she had to collect hair samples to screen for heavy metal toxicity.  She snipped off a wee lock and save only the two inches closest to the root, then repeat til the total saved weighed 1 gram.  Due to my fine, thyroidal hair, this took 13 snips, the most she said she’d ever had to clip by at least double.

Sad little seedlings

Then I met the big man, Dr. P.  He looked at my tests and said, “They’re practically perfect – so what are you here for?”  I said I have Hashimoto’s.  He replied, “Well, that’s easy, just take natural thyroid for the rest of your life!”  “That’s not so easy with the jokers we’ve got in the medical establishment right now”, I said.  From there, we preached to each others’ choirs.  We talked nutrition.  How to relieve allergies by supporting our immune systems with vitamin C, rather than squash our immune response with whatever pill happens to be promoted on the drug-pushers post-its that month.  How to reduce stomach acids and increase digestion by increasing consumption of acids, rather than the common folly of taking antacids to destroy what precious little we have.  We sang kumbaya.

I walked out of there a few minutes later with a couple of months’ worth of the medicine I’d been seeking for months, another appointment in three weeks to go over my hair snippet toxicity tests, and last but not least, a new ally in my quest to be normal again.

Today may finally have been the first day of the rest of my life.

Oprah had journalist Michael Pollan, author of The Omnivore’s Dilemma, on her show yesterday to speak about Oscar-nominated Food, Inc. and what people should and should not put into their bodies.  Quite possibly, I wouldn’t even have this infernal disease if I’d been eating according to his simple principles.  But what caused my cheapster’s ears to perk up was their awesome offer – until March 17th only, you can get your own copy of Food, Inc. for $9.99 at Amazon.com, a bazillion times off the regular price, and then have it for download as well.  Why rent when you can own?  This is a reference tool you can have 4eva. Dooooooo it.

Here are a few of my favorite food rules from Michael Pollan:

Don’t eat anything your great grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food. “When you pick up that box of portable yogurt tubes, or eat something with 15 ingredients you can’t pronounce, ask yourself, “What are those things doing there?” Pollan says.

Avoid packaged foods with more than five ingredients, or ingredients a third-grader can’t pronounce.

Stay out of the middle of the supermarket; shop on the perimeter of the store. Real food tends to be on the outer edge of the store near the loading docks, where it can be replaced with fresh foods when it goes bad.

Don’t eat anything that won’t eventually rot. “There are exceptions — honey — but as a rule, things like Twinkies that never go bad aren’t food,” Pollan says.

Don’t buy food where you buy your gasoline. In the U.S., 20% of food is eaten in the car.

Eat all the junk food you want as long as you cook it yourself.

You can get Michael’s “manual on eating” here, for the majorly discounted price of $5:

Jump on that shit, peeps.

I was just about out of my Environne produce wash when an article from Natural News arrived in my inbox about how to make my own fruit wash out of shizz I already have at home. I don’t have any grapefruit seed extract at the mo, so I’m gonna make wash recipe 2 and put it right in my empty Environne bottle.  Dang, that’s smart!

Produce Wash 1
– 20 drops grapefruit seed extract, available at health food stores
– 1 Tablespoon baking soda
– 1 cup white vinegar
– 1 cup water
– New spray bottle

NOTE: The baking soda and vinegar will foam when mixed together. Make sure you use a deep pitcher and pour slowly.

Produce Wash 2
– 1 Tablespoon lemon juice
– 1 Tablespoon white vinegar
– 1 cup water
– New spray bottle

Spray produce. Let sit 5-10 minutes and rinse thoroughly to wash away residue.

You don't want ass-hand remnants on your fruit, do you?